365 Days of Missing Charlie

( If you don't think of animals as part of your family, this post might not be for you.)

If I was on the floor, so was he.

I can't believe he's only been gone that long. It feels like a million years but it also feels like yesterday. I lost my Charlie.

If I was on the couch, so was he.

God, I miss him. I still cry. Usually when I'm falling asleep in bed. It was our place.  Before I met J and before we were married for 5 years, it was just Charlie and I. At night  when I was getting ready for bed, I would tell him " Come on buddy. Let's go to bed" And he would go in and lay down in the same place every night.

He loved to smell the air.

I miss him sleeping in the bed next to me, pushing me off the bed or into J.
I miss him taking up the whole bed.
I miss having to step over him when I got out of bed.

He put up with me, weirdness and all.

After I stood up, I would say his name and watch his tail go " thump thump thump" on the bed. I miss him following me into the bathroom and making me scratch him on the neck while I was sitting. I can still remember how it felt to pet him on the head and the sound of him snoring next to me.

Look at that face.

I miss the feel of his fur between my fingers.

He was my best friend. No offense to all my human friends but he was. I've felt lost without him. Life isn't the same. No matter what I was going through he was always there with me. Even when i got busier over the past four years, he was always  there sitting by me in whatever room I had to be in.

He braved THAT for me

He thought I was awesome. He looked at me like I was his world. He was my biggest fan. I could do no wrong with him.I know he called me mom in his dog way. How could you not fall in love with that?


He would lay behind me when I cooked. He would lay under the computer desk while I designed, surfed the web, or just looked at pictures. He would sleep in K's closet while I read her stories and sang lullabies.  When I sat on the couch and watched movies or TV, He would lay right under me and even get to sit next to me on the couch when J wasn't there. If I sat on the floor, he would come up to the front of me, sit down, I would hug him and his head would rest on my shoulder. Like he was really hugging me. When I cried,  I could hold him and  I would feel better. Even my two girls can't fill the space in my heart he left. They keep that space busy but not filled.

K loved her Charlie

K  said in the car the other day....

K: Mom?
Me:Yes
K: I miss Charlie. He's up in heaven. I want him to come down here.
Me: I miss him too, honey, everyday.  But he's happy and feels better up in heaven.(tears welling  in my eyes)
K: I want him to be here with me.
Me: Me too honey. Me too. ( sniff)

K and Charlie 2009

God, It breaks my heart every time she says that which seems to have just happened randomly throughout the year.

See..he had to be next to me even unwrapping K's birthday gifts.

Have you ever  read or heard the quote from Winnie the Pooh:

"If  you lived to be 100 years old . I want to  live to 100 minus one day so I wouldn't  have to live a day without you."

My buddy

That's exactly what I thought the day he left my side.That was the hardest day of my life so far. I won't forget a minute of that day maybe for the rest of my life. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I've never wailed before. I've never collapsed before. But I did that day.  The feeling when your body literally can't hold you up because you are crying so hard. He was my first baby.Why did he have to leave me so soon?

I cried myself to sleep for a week.  It's the only way I could fall asleep.  He should still be here. 10 years isn't long enough.  I love and you and miss you buddy.