Wednesday, April 25, 2012

365 Days of Missing Charlie

( If you don't think of animals as part of your family, this post might not be for you.)

If I was on the floor, so was he.

I can't believe he's only been gone that long. It feels like a million years but it also feels like yesterday. I lost my Charlie.

If I was on the couch, so was he.

God, I miss him. I still cry. Usually when I'm falling asleep in bed. It was our place.  Before I met J and before we were married for 5 years, it was just Charlie and I. At night  when I was getting ready for bed, I would tell him " Come on buddy. Let's go to bed" And he would go in and lay down in the same place every night.

He loved to smell the air.

I miss him sleeping in the bed next to me, pushing me off the bed or into J.
I miss him taking up the whole bed.
I miss having to step over him when I got out of bed.

He put up with me, weirdness and all.

After I stood up, I would say his name and watch his tail go " thump thump thump" on the bed. I miss him following me into the bathroom and making me scratch him on the neck while I was sitting. I can still remember how it felt to pet him on the head and the sound of him snoring next to me.

Look at that face.

I miss the feel of his fur between my fingers.

He was my best friend. No offense to all my human friends but he was. I've felt lost without him. Life isn't the same. No matter what I was going through he was always there with me. Even when i got busier over the past four years, he was always  there sitting by me in whatever room I had to be in.

He braved THAT for me

He thought I was awesome. He looked at me like I was his world. He was my biggest fan. I could do no wrong with him.I know he called me mom in his dog way. How could you not fall in love with that?

He would lay behind me when I cooked. He would lay under the computer desk while I designed, surfed the web, or just looked at pictures. He would sleep in K's closet while I read her stories and sang lullabies.  When I sat on the couch and watched movies or TV, He would lay right under me and even get to sit next to me on the couch when J wasn't there. If I sat on the floor, he would come up to the front of me, sit down, I would hug him and his head would rest on my shoulder. Like he was really hugging me. When I cried,  I could hold him and  I would feel better. Even my two girls can't fill the space in my heart he left. They keep that space busy but not filled.

K loved her Charlie
K  said in the car the other day....

K: Mom?
K: I miss Charlie. He's up in heaven. I want him to come down here.
Me: I miss him too, honey, everyday.  But he's happy and feels better up in heaven.(tears welling  in my eyes)
K: I want him to be here with me.
Me: Me too honey. Me too. ( sniff)

K and Charlie 2009

God, It breaks my heart every time she says that which seems to have just happened randomly throughout the year.

See..he had to be next to me even unwrapping K's birthday gifts.

Have you ever  read or heard the quote from Winnie the Pooh:

"If  you lived to be 100 years old . I want to  live to 100 minus one day so I wouldn't  have to live a day without you."

My buddy

That's exactly what I thought the day he left my side.That was the hardest day of my life so far. I won't forget a minute of that day maybe for the rest of my life. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I've never wailed before. I've never collapsed before. But I did that day.  The feeling when your body literally can't hold you up because you are crying so hard. He was my first baby.Why did he have to leave me so soon?

I cried myself to sleep for a week.  It's the only way I could fall asleep.  He should still be here. 10 years isn't long enough.  I love and you and miss you buddy.


  1. I can't believe it's been that at long as well! I know how hard it is -- I try to remember nothing takes away the good times. Life is so always many things would be great to stay in the moment/that time...but it's not possible...but it is in our minds and our pictures. He was such a good dog -- nothing ever changes that. Hugs to you.

    1. Thanks, Laura. You're right. He'll always be a part of me, always in my heart.

  2. I started tearing up too and I don't even know Charlie! But I had a dog who only graced me with his presence for 7 years. He was exactly as you described Charlie. He was with me when I lived alone, when the hubs moved in, when we brought home dogs and cats and a baby. He moved with us, he and I would go to the park together, he was my walking buddy, and everything. He was great. Everyone thought so too and my dad's just as torn up about him being gone as I am. Nothing can replace that love from an animal. I have three dogs now and one is a very close second place but the other two haven't reached it yet. One will probably never reach it and I hope the other one will try. I don't know what I'll do when my second place pup leaves. I told her the other day she's not allowed to go yet (she's only 7 too). Last year I lost my big guy (my dog), my brother, and many other human family members. It was horrible. He would have been there with me to help ease the pain but he was the one who started off the year. I hope you can find a close replacement!

    1. Thanks, Megan. I'm sorry for all of your loses too. It's good to know there are other people like me who think of their dogs as family. I'm just now finally ready to get another dog. It felt to replacey( I like to make up words) for a while. I know someday I'll find another connection like that but it may not be awhile.

  3. Ok, you just made me cry at work! I can't believe it has really been a year! Love you, Jess

    1. Sorry about the crying. I cried writing and a re-reading it last night. It's just hard when you lose any member of your family. Thanks for the love.

  4. I can still remember every moment of the last time I saw Ginger and the guilt I felt for telling her that she "could go if she wanted to". She had cancer, but was doing well for 14 yrs old. She passed 2 days later. I still can't talk about her without choking up. Although COMPLETELY different, is the love that I feel for my Zoey. I can't imagine life without her. Due to her "social issues", I have had to invest so much time, money and tears into "making her normal" that I can't fathom what life would be like with a normal dog. I get glimpses of that with my dear baby Finn - I'm pretty sure that he's Ginger II, a simple retriever mix. Zoey is MY first baby. Several people have told me that my life would be better if I just got rid of her. But when I look at those eyes and how much she just absolutely would do anything for me, I know am committed to keeping her and giving her the best life possible. I believe that she was meant to be mine. I don't think that you ever get over your dog. You will have many in your life - but each one unique and special in that one certain way that prevents you from comparing them to all the rest. Charlie had a care-free spirit, could put Zoey in her place and would have loved Finn. RIP Chuckles.

    1. Thanks Liz. I know you'll always understand how I felt about him.

  5. Wow... That was a touching tribute to Charlie. You both were blessed to have each other.

  6. Sorry. Forgot to sign my name to my post.... Alicia

    1. Thanks, Alicia. Sorry I forgot to respond until now.

  7. I can totally relate Emily! My "before Husband & Kids" dog passed away this past January and it sucks! He was my college dog and was my best friend and a fantastic friend at that! Charlie will always hold a special place in your heart and even though it totally sucks, I am sure you are so happy you were lucky enough to have him in your life. I try to focus on that and not how much I miss my buddy! I'm sending you hugs!

    1. Thanks, Cheryl. I do try to remember that but it's still hard sometimes.

  8. Oh, I'm so sorry you had to experience that - I mean, I know everyone who has a beloved pet has to go through this, but for some of us, the relationships are so genuine and close that the grief is just crushing. I had to say goodbye to my childhood cat a few years ago and I still miss him terribly - we adopted him when I was 7 years old and when I was 25, I had to make the horrible decision to ease his pain. Like you said, I remember every detail of that last day with him. I actually called in sick at work for a couple of days because I couldn't stop crying! Anyway, thank you for being so honest and sharing your feelings - it made me tear up but it also brought back fond memories of growing up together with my sweet Tabby.

    1. Thanks, Jamie. It just makes me feel better sometimes that I know other people loved their pets as much as I did and truly understand how I feel. Not just say " oh sorry" like a knee jerk reaction. I'm sorry for your loss as well. You had long great time with him. You were very lucky to have him. As he was lucky to have you.

  9. There is nothing like the love of a dog and his/her person. I have been blessed to have this unconditional love in my life. I'm sorry you lost your love, Charlie.


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